Thursday, July 2, 2015

Light Bulbs & Life's Not-So-Little Mysteries

Note: This is the 12th update I made to Addison's CarePages site. In this entry I announce my pregnancy. A local reporter said it best when she wrote, "a heartbeat where there was so much heartache." 

Posted Jun 21, 2012 9:33am
In the weeks following Addie’s death, I cursed the sun.
How dare it shine when my world is falling apart?
I cursed the roses in my garden, the daylilies too, and especially, the $7 plant that I rescued from a Wal-Mart parking lot last summer.
It could barely hold up its head last year.
This year, it’s thriving.
How can I nurse back to health a scraggly plant that I could give two cares about, but my daughter? No.
I cursed the light bulb in our bathroom. Still do, actually.
The same darn light bulb that we’ve never had to change in the two years we’ve lived here.
It continues to shine.
So I’ve lost a child and gained a wee bit of crazy.
Here’s something else I’ve gained.
The knowledge that life goes on even though we really don’t want it to.
Summer activities have resumed.
Softball. Swimming. And Saturday night, the sound of fireworks somewhere in our neighborhood.
Birthdays have come and gone.
First Tripp, then me, Isaac, and this past weekend, Scott.
And perhaps the cruelest reminder of them all, my belly continues to grow.
Oh yes, did I forget to mention that?
The same day Addie got sick – that beautiful day of sun and softball out in the front yard – we found out we were expecting our fourth child.
So, while Addie, Isaac, and Tripp busied themselves around the house, Scott and I sat in disbelief on our sectional down in the basement, trading thoughts on the changes that would need to take place this fall.
Sleeping arrangements (we have a three-bedroom house).
Baby gear (we sold it all at the garage sale).
Daycare (we’ll have three in daycare).
These are the things we worried about.
And then Addie got sick.
But not to worry, it’s a viral infection, doctors said.
Let it run its course.
Over the next few days we did just that.
But at the same time, I also did a few things any other pregnant woman would do.
Take another test (and another one after that).
Call David’s Bridal and discreetly ask if they’ll be able to do anything with the bridesmaid dress I’m supposed to wear in four months. And then ask that they call my cell (not my home number) with their answer so my mom who’s home with my 9 year old doesn’t find out I’m pregnant (just yet).
Call around to find an OB in Lincoln, but quickly get frustrated that a couple of the doctors wouldn’t do appointments after 2:30 in the afternoon. Who can be gone from school that much?
Google “is it safe to run while pregnant” and find out that it is OK as long as you keep an eye on your heart rate. Continue to run and monitor up until the day we find out that Addie’s illness most definitely is not a viral infection.
It’s Acute Myeloid Leukemia.
And it’s going to take her life.
So while we’ve been fumbling our way through this bottomless pit of grief, asking day in and day out:
"Why Addie?"
“Why our sweet daughter?”
“Why, why, why?”
We’ve also been wondering why a baby and why now.
Apparently, life goes on.

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